


His 'Perfect' Image

by Floople_Doople



Series: THE SUBAKI ANGST WOOP [1]
Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Anxiety, Hurt No Comfort, I am so sorry, I left it open so, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Japanese names used here and there, No Dialogue, Self-Esteem Issues, Subaki centric, Suicidal Thoughts, Takes Place in Revelations, What Have I Done, could be angstier, gender neutral corrin, i swear i don't hate subaki, idk man, no spoilers tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-01
Updated: 2017-04-01
Packaged: 2018-10-13 12:54:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10514181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floople_Doople/pseuds/Floople_Doople
Summary: Subaki. Retainer to the youngest Hoshidan princess. A prodigy. Perfect in everything he does.Oh, if only they knew.I am so sorry I swear I love SubakiTrigger warning, read with caution. I am so sorry.





	

**Author's Note:**

> look this is what happened why my friend challenged me to write angst for a FE Fates character  
> all because i am the recognized angst master on shamchat  
> please don't kill me
> 
>  
> 
> HAHAHAHA YESTERDAY WAS APRIL FOOLS DAY SO GUESS WHAT  
> this is the real one

Subaki smiled as his liege, the ever graceful Lady Sakura walked past the training grounds with her other retainer, Kazahana, or just Hana. They seemed to be laughing about something, ever cheerful. At least they were happy, at the very least they were happy. His well-practiced smile faded as he watched them leave, the naginata slipping from his grasp just a bit. He wondered, just for a moment, what they could be laughing about.

_ They were probably laughing at you, since you are the greatest joke known to plague the earth. How pathetic. Trying to pretend to be something you aren't. Trying to be perfect when you know you are the farthest thing from perfect. You know you are a failure. Everyone does. They just pity you enough that they don't say anything. In fact, that's the only reason you are a retainer. Lady Sakura pitied you, she only keeps you around because of that. Hana thinks you're pathetic, you know deep down she hates you, she thinks you are annoying- _

Subaki frowned at these thoughts. They were always there, no matter where he went. They followed dawn to dusk, and even then they haunted his dreams. Sure, those thoughts were only telling him the truth, but he had to keep trying. Trying to be perfect, despite the fact it was impossible for someone like him. He had to keep trying. For Lady Sakura's sake. He couldn't afford a single mistake. A single mistake could be what costs Lady Sakura her life someday. No, not one single mistake.

This had been drilled into his head since he was five. His parents, being of high social standing, wanted the perfect son. And so, that's what they tried to mold him into. Not a single mistake was allowed. One complaint would be a night outside, no matter the weather. Forgetting a task would be one less meal. Failing to do a task right the first time would be being isolated and ignored, only to be acknowledged once he managed to do the task correctly and efficiently.

He grew used to isolation. He learned to get by on little to no food. He managed to survive sleeping outside in the freezing cold or the pouring rain. These conditions were necessary if he wanted to become the perfect son to his parents. Somehow, it worked. By the time he was time he was ten, he was able to perform any and all of the tasks his parents gave him efficiently. He, well, more of his parents were praised for how perfect Subaki was. His parents told him to be proud, that all of these people thought he was perfect. No matter how hard he tried to believe them...he just couldn't. He couldn't feel proud. All he felt was a great weight, a burden, that he didn't want to carry.

Subaki snapped back to the present when he heard someone calling his name. He realized(with great embarrassment) that Corrin had been calling his name for a good minute now, and had been worried. They were just about to go get Lady Sakura when he responded, putting that perfected smile back on. They seemed relieved, for some reason.

_ You just wasted Corrin's valuable time by getting them worried over your pathetic self. Good job, you pathetic excuse of a human being. _

Subaki quickly reassured Corrin that he was indeed alright, and he was just thinking about something. Corrin seemed reluctant to believe him, though they accepted the explanation and left. Once they were gone, he breathed a sigh of relief. He began walking to the stables, needing to clear his head. Going on flights, for him, was the only way he could clear his head without causing anyone to worry. He learned that, when Hana had found him a few years ago in his room at the castle, clearing his head. She had screamed, alerting him of her presence. He was immediately grabbed by the shoulders by a tearful Hana, who was screaming at him. He couldn't remember what she was saying, only that she was extremely upset.

He wasn't sure why she had been so worried, crying, dragging him to Lady Sakura's room when he insisted he was fine, it was fine, nothing was wrong. That she wasn't supposed to worry about him so much. Of course Hana had ignored him, nearly yelling that of course she would worry, especially when she finds one of her closest friends...well, Subaki hadn't heard what she said after that. He was lamenting over the fact that she actually caught him. Normally he'd know when someone was approaching, and would then quickly hide any traces that something was wrong. His perfect record was...no longer perfect.

When Hana finally got him to Lady Sakura's room, she started knocking on the door so hard you'd think she was trying to break it down. Of course Lady Sakura had quickly opened it, hearing how badly Hana was crying through the door. When she opened the door, she had gasped at the sight, quickly calling them inside. Tears were dripping down her face as she closed the door behind them, quickly running to grab one of the festals she had kept in her room. Subaki had felt even worse. His liege, the ever graceful Lady Sakura, crying over someone as pathetic as him.

For over seven months after that, neither would leave him alone. Whenever he was going off to train, to get supplies in the town, to do anything at all, either Hana or Lady Sakura would follow him. Usually it was Hana, since Lady Sakura was unable to leave the castle too often. While they had never told him this, he knew. He always knew that they were following him. After those seven months, they stopped following him. Well, they still did, but not as often. The only time he was ever able to be by himself with no one else around was when he went on flights.

He never did anything on those flights. All he really did was just stay in the sky, sometimes flying off to some secluded meadow or clearing in a forest. It was peaceful, and it cleared his head almost as well as what he did before. He went on these flights often.

Subaki remembered the first time he ever met Lady Sakura. How could he forget? It had been one of the worst moments of his life. His parents had sent him to the castle to go apply for the position of retainer to a member of the Hoshidan royal family. He had flown there on his pegasus, landing right in front of Lady Sakura and Hana. He tried to dismount his pegasus, but he ended up falling off and landing right on his face. Hana had certainly gotten a good laugh. Lady Sakura didn't laugh nearly as much, but Subaki was already embarrassed enough. He was surprised when Lady Sakura had offered her hand to him, a strange look, at least to him, on her face.

It wasn't an expression of laughter, or mocking. It wasn't a look of disapproval, or disappointment. It was an expression of pure kindness, genuine worry.

He quickly got up himself, not wanting to taint such grace with his imperfection. He mounted his pegasus once more, and flew away. Looking back on it now, he faintly remembers hearing Lady Sakura call for him. He ignored it, not wanting to tarnish someone so, so, perfect, with his own imperfection.

When he returned home that day...his parents were less then pleased, to say the least. They kept him up all day and all night, doing trivial tasks. Subaki was not allowed to sleep. Sleep was a privilege. He didn't deserve sleep for messing up something so simple. If his parents found him sleeping at all, he'd be severely punished.

Subaki learned, over the next month, how to operate on little to no sleep.

He finally reached the stables, quickly heading over to where his pegasus was kept. She whinnied as he approached, seemingly not surprised that he was here. Perhaps she had known he was coming. He wouldn't be surprised by that. His pegasus always seemed to know if Subaki needed to go for a flight. Subaki led her out of the stables, mounting her then flying off.

Subaki recalled the day he became Lady Sakura's retainer. He had been kicked out for the night for one absent-minded comment that, to be honest, he couldn't remember. All he remembered was that he had just gotten out of his home when he ran into Hana. More specifically, she ran into him. Even so, he apologized profusely for being in her way. Hana had been confused by, saying that she was the one who ran into him. Subaki looked up at her in surprise, and Hana gasped. She recognized him, to Subaki's embarrassment, as the pegasus knight who had fallen off of his pegasus. She mentioned that Lady Sakura had been wanting to see him since that day.

Subaki was so shocked, he didn't say anything for a moment. What on earth could someone like Lady Sakura want with someone as pathetic and imperfect as him? Hana took this opportunity to drag him to his pegasus who had been outside, just waiting for them nearby. Hana mounted his pegasus, pulling him up on as well. He had only snapped out of his shock when his pegasus took off, causing him to yelp in surprise. Hana, unfortunately, had no idea how to ride a pegasus. Thank the gods his pegasus had remembered where the castle was.

As soon as they landed inside the grounds, Hana had pretty much pulled him off of his pegasus and dragged him to Lady Sakura's room. He had initially been reluctant, but eventually gave in. When they reached her door, Hana knocked, saying through the door that she had found Subaki.

Lady Sakura opened the door extremely quickly, seemingly delighted at the fact that Hana had found Subaki. She invited them both inside, closing the door behind them with a kind smile on her face. Lady Sakura quickly explained how she needed a second retainer, and that she had heard of him from her father. Subaki was well known as the boy who could do really anything with skill and precision. And then she asked him to be her retainer. Of course he accepted.

When he told his parents that next morning, when he flew with his pegasus back to his home to pack up, as he would be living at the castle from then on. His parents had been delighted, congratulating him. Subaki tried, for their sake, to look grateful for all they had done for him. After all, it was only because they trained him to be perfect that he had been chosen as Lady Sakura's retainer

But, he couldn't. All he felt was that same burden he had felt for years.

_ You ingrate. Your parents only wanted the best for you. But you didn't even feel grateful. They wasted so much time trying to help you. All that time wasted on you. _

Subaki grit his teeth. Why weren't the thoughts going away? Going on flights usually calmed him, and kept the thoughts away. Then again, his old method had always been so much more effective...

No. No, he can't go back to doing that. Lady Sakura made him swear he wouldn't do it or anything like it again. Breaking a promise to Lady Sakura was unthinkable.

Then again, he had also promised to keep Lady Sakura safe, to keep her from harm. That had been the only promise to Lady Sakura that he had failed to keep. How he wishes he could forget that day. Unfortunately, his mind refused to let him forget.

It may have been a long time ago, a few years ago. However, the memory still burned fresh in his mind, a constant reminder of his imperfection. They had been patrolling the border. Lady Sakura was with Hana, and Subaki would keep an eye on them as he flew on his pegasus, his eyes constantly watching the border and the two females with him. He had only just taken his eyes off of them when he heard a scream.

Lady Sakura’s scream. It was something he never, ever wanted to hear again.

His eyes darted to where they had been only to see that Lady Sakura was cornered by Faceless, Hana no where to be seen. He remembers screaming, urging his pegasus to fly towards her. Subaki’s heart had been pounding in fear, almost painfully.

He hadn’t been fast enough. 

One of those damned Faceless managed to hit her, causing her to cry out in pain as she fell to the ground. He couldn’t remember what had happened after that, only that it ended with him tearing apart all of the Faceless, sustaining many injuries himself. Hana, who had been knocked aside by one of those creatures, had told him later on that he had seemed like an entirely different person.

Lady Sakura, while not severely injured, gained a large bruise on her side from where the Faceless had hit her. Hana had been the same way, only with a couple more scratches here and there. Subaki had been the worst off. He still had a scar from the incident, which was thankfully hidden by his uniform. Lady Sakura had forced him to stay in the castle’s infirmary for a couple days due to his injuries, despite Subaki’s protests that he had to train, that he couldn’t fall behind, and such.

While Lady Sakura and Hana never spoke of the incident after that, he knew they were disappointed in him for similar reasons. They may not have said it, but he just knew.

_ You failed her. You failed Lady Sakura. She was injured under your watch. Hana hates you deep down, even if she doesn’t say it. She hates you because you allowed Lady Sakura to be injured when you were supposed to keep her safe. It’s only because Lady Sakura pitied you that you are still her retainer. She wants to have another, much more competent retainer than you. _

Subaki took a few deep breaths. The thoughts should go away soon. They should be gone. Then, he could go back to trying to be Lady Sakura’s perfect retainer. 

Trying.

When Subaki’s parents heard what happened during the incident, he was called home. Lady Sakura, thinking his parents just wanted to see their son was okay, allowed him to go. Subaki knew otherwise. He knew what would happen to him when he arrived home. He knew he would be punished. The only thing he was unsure of was how severe the punishment would be.

He didn’t want to go. He wanted to tell Lady Sakura that no, he couldn’t go. He so badly wanted to tell her the reason why he could not return to that place he felt hardly deserved the title of home. Oh how he so badly wanted to tell her.

He wasn’t sure what stopped him from telling her. Lady Sakura would have believed him. She probably would have been extremely upset that was what Subaki used to call a home. Perhaps that was what stopped him. Perhaps he didn’t want to bother her. After all, Lady Sakura was, well, Lady Sakura. She had grace, she had beauty, she was so very kind to everyone, and that was only a small list.

In Subaki’s eyes, she was the definition of perfection. The very thing Subaki strived to be yet could never reach.

Subaki did end up returning to ‘home’. The castle was his home, not this place. Nonetheless, he still walked up to the front door and waited. Subaki would be lying if he said he wasn’t scared.

His parents opened the door, smiles on their faces as they welcomed him inside. To anyone walking by, it would have just seemed like two loving parents welcoming their son home. Subaki knew better. Their smiles might have said one thing, but their eyes said otherwise.

As soon as he was inside, they locked the door behind him. What happened next…

_ You know you deserved it, you failure. You had one job, and that was to protect Lady Sakura. You couldn’t even do that properly. You deserved it. All your parents were just trying to teach you a lesson. A lesson you still failed to learn, even after they taught it to you so many times. They tried so hard, for an entire week. And it still didn’t get through your thick skull. _

By the end of the week, he had developed a very high pain tolerance.

Unfortunately, his wounds had not healed by the end of that week. When he returned to the castle, Hana was there waiting to greet him. She was smiling, though quickly frowning when she saw that he was limping. When she asked what was wrong, he had straightened up and gave her a well-practiced smile. 

It did hurt to walk without limping, but it was a measure he had to take if he didn’t want to worry Lady Sakura or Hana. He was injured in many other places as well, thanks to what had transpired that week he had gone ‘home’. Of course Lady Sakura, being the wonderfully kind soul that she was, asked him if he was okay each and every day after that. Each time he would answer with a convincing smile and a reassurance that he was perfectly fine.

Eventually, he was caught. When in the middle of sparring with Hana, he had stepped on his injured leg in a way that caused a violent pain to shoot up his leg. He had stopped, nearly collapsing at the sheer amount of pain in his leg. Of course Hana noticed, and she had freaked out. Poor Hana. She thought she was the one who injured him.

_ Yeah, you caused poor innocent Hana to feel guilty just because you couldn’t get your parents’ lessons through your stupid head. You caused an innocent person guilt over your pathetic, worthless self. _

Subaki, in an attempt to ignore the thoughts swirling his head, remembered what had happened next. Hana had been horrified, seeing Subaki almost unable to stand thanks to the amount of pain shooting through his leg. She had run off, to go get Lady Sakura. This left Subaki alone with his thoughts for a moment, which didn’t help the situation at all.

While it had only taken a moment to get Lady Sakura, they had both returned to see Subaki struggling to stand, no matter how hard he was trying. Lady Sakura had quickly ran towards him, festal in hand, and healed him. While it did restore some of his strength, the damage had already been done. 

Lady Sakura forced him, again, to stay in the infirmary. This time, he had to stay there an entire week. The entire week, both Hana and Lady Sakura had asked him so many questions. The main questions had been who had injured him so badly, and how long ago he had been hurt.

Whenever he was asked that first question, he always changed the answer. Oh, he had some trouble with some ruffians. Oh, he had been ambushed by Faceless. Always some excuse that neither Lady Sakura or Hana believed. When asked the second question, he stayed silent. While Lady Sakura kept asking him that question with the same result, Hana had said she would find whoever did this to him and avenge him, despite the protests from both Lady Sakura and Subaki.

Subaki only felt worse when Hana had said that. His parents were only trying to help him, and now they would be in trouble with Hana and Lady  Sakura  for it. He tried to convince her it was fine, that he lived, that it was no big deal. At that last statement, both Lady Sakura and Hana had been quick to tell him otherwise.

Hana had nearly yelled at him that it was a big deal, that it just because he lived didn’t mean it was okay, and other such things. Lady Sakura looked ready to cry, saying to him quietly that it did matter he was hurt. It did matter, it did matter, it did matter. She kept on repeating it, tears ready to fall from her eyes.

Subaki hadn’t known what to say. He really didn’t. He wanted to say something, anything, just to get her to wipe away those tears and smile for him. Her tears pained him. She shouldn’t trouble herself with the thought of him. She has so, so many more important things to worry about. She should be looking for a new retainer, since he was obviously such a failure at being one. He couldn’t even protect her properly. He couldn’t even dry her tears. He couldn’t even stand.

After those few days, Hana stuck by him like glue. When he asked her why she was following him so much, she said it was to make sure he stayed safe. Subaki felt awful at that response, though he didn’t tell her that. Instead, he had smiled and told her that she didn’t have to bother herself following him around everywhere. At this, Hana gave him a look that was a mix between a glare and tears.

She yelled at him that time. She had said she wasn’t bothering herself to do anything, that this was something she wanted to do. This was something that she wanted to do, to make sure one of her closest friends stayed safe. Subaki had been speechless.

_ She didn’t mean any of that, I hope you realize. She was only saying that out of pity. She didn’t mean a single word. If anything, she thought you were a nuisance and someone who can’t even protect himself. She was only doing that because she pitied you. _

Subaki groaned. His mind shouldn’t be filling up like this. Why wouldn’t it stop? Just stop, stop, stop! Just...stop.

He wasn’t exactly sure what he had said when he was able to get over his surprise. All he remembered saying was that he was replaceable, that he was of no use to someone like Lady Sakura if he couldn’t even protect her properly. He told her that someone like him, a screw up, a mistake, shouldn’t be protected, or saved, or hell even allowed near Lady Sakura in the first place. He had said that she should be protecting Lady Sakura instead of him, since she was irreplaceable. Lady Sakura deserved to be protected. She needed to be protected.

He did not.

He remembered the next bit very clearly. Hana had been silent, not saying anything. When he looked at her, he was shocked by what he saw.

Hana was crying. That had been the first time he ever saw her cry, the second being when she found him not too long after that doing what he had been doing for a long, long time.

She cried, saying through her tears that yes, he did deserve to be protected, he was worthy, he was not a mistake or a screw up, that he was not replaceable, so on so forth. Subaki had been speechless. She hugged him tightly, crying into his chest as she repeated these things to him.

There had been a rush of emotions flowing through him. He had no idea how to feel. And all the meanwhile, those thoughts swirled his head. Instead of growing lighter, they only darkened.

_ You made Hana cry. Not only did you make her pity you enough to follow you, but you made her cry. You pathetic excuse of a human being. Why are you even here? You can’t even protect your liege, the simplest thing on earth. You know what? It would have been a load off of everyone’s minds if you just died. _

Subaki realized he had been holding the reins extremely tightly, causing him to suddenly loosen his grip, just a slight bit. His pegasus slowed down, coming to a slow stop in the sky. She seemed to understand that Subaki was thinking, stopping so that he wouldn’t have to worry about guiding her.

His thoughts trailed to his conversations with Niles, that former Nohrian outlaw. His nickname was Zero, which Subaki found funny. They were complete opposites. Niles didn't have any expectations, aside from being known for his lewd tongue. Subaki had high expectations, everyone expecting him to be perfect and make no mistakes.

Faintly, Subaki thinks about when Niles had tried to literally stab him in the back a little while after their first conversation. Subaki had called him out on it, though there was a small part of him that wondered about that. That small part wondered why he said anything at all instead of staying silent and letting Niles stab him. That same part of him felt slightly disappointed when told that the blow would not have been fatal. He tries to ignore that small part of him, though it was kind of hard when it kept growing louder and louder each passing day.

They did have another conversation not too long after that. Niles had told Subaki to let him carry some of his burden for him. Strangely, Subaki had felt a bit, how to put it, like there was actually less of a burden on him. Subaki did have to wonder why Niles would say something like that. It was out of character for him, Subaki felt.

_ He pitied you, that's why. He pitied you, and wanted to help you for gods know what reason. It's not like you deserve it anyway. Mr. Perfect, as if! You know you're useless, so why do you pretend you still have worth? _

Subaki nearly hit himself in the face. Why wouldn't these thoughts just end? Just end already, damn it, end!

_ End? End like your miserable little life should? You're useless anyway, who would miss you? No one, that's who. _

Subaki couldn't take it. He urged his pegasus to land in a clearing he spotted that was nearby. As his pegasus flew to the ground, a small, barely noticeable voice argued against the louder thoughts.

**_No, you aren't useless! Why else would Lady_ ** **_Sakura_ ** **_have chosen you? She chose you because she knew you would be a great retainer! And if you died, Lady Sakura would be devastated! She'd cry, just like Hana would. You know they care about you!_ **

No matter what the voice said, it was drowned out by the louder thoughts.

Maybe, perhaps, those louder voices were right. Perhaps he should be dead. Not like he was of much use anyway. No one would miss him. It would just have to wait until after the war. Unless, he fell in battle. But Lady Sakura, bless her kind heart, would not let him die so easily. So after the war. The only thing keeping him around at this point would no longer need him.

For the first time in a long, long time, a genuine smile was on his face.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i am so sorry forgive me for this i swear i don't hate Subaki


End file.
